Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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