I'm so fucking centered right now
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
