I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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