I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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