Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
