I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
