If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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