The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
