so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
