i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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