I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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