How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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