A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
