if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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