i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
