if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
