My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
