On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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