i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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