I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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