I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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