Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
if only i could text you this smell
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
