So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
