twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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