I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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