wake up i wanna do it froggy style
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i think i just lost a toe
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
