Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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