Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
