They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
