I just threw up on my dentist
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Randomize
