i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
