It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
