I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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