and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
