I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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