Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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