Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
