It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
