false alarm. still invincible.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
