Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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