he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
