We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
