Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
