In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
