I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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