I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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