I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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