I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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