I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
