I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He better not be in your backpack
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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