....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm at about main and main street
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
