His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
