I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
